Meet Kirby!

The animal cuteness factor in my household just rose another 10 notches with the addition of our new adopted Jack Russell Terrier, Kirby.



Are you kidding me? I think I might have two of the most adorable dogs EVER (see Lola on the sidebar to your right).



I know...seriously...SHUT UP!



Kirby is about a year and a half old and came from a high kill shelter in Sioux City, IA that only gives their dogs 7 days and then they're put down. With the help of Midwest Animal Rescue we were able to save him and bring him into our home.

He's been adjusting well, just a few minor aggression issues with toys and food that can be fixed...He's already getting better, plus, he's having his "manhood" taken next week. Poor guy!

He is a cuddler and loves to play fetch, knows how to "sit," "stay," and "release" and he loves to play with his "new buddy" Lola!

I am so excited to have been able to help out and find Kirby a place in my home, now whenever I see those Iams commercials I don't have to go through an ENTIRE box of Kleenex, just a few tissues.

Aortic Aneurysms, Lacerated Fingers, and Rabid Pets

The "Readers Digest" version of Jenni's life, Winter 2008.

I haven't written about this because it's consumed so much of my life over the past few months that I just didn't want to belabor the catastrophe. My dad has been in and out of the hospital with a slew of problems, including, but not limited to, an infected, bleeding colon, a mass on his left kidney, and now, an aortic aneurysm.

Now, in order to understand my dad you have to realize that the man has been through the ringer with his health. He had a pituitary tumor where they had to remove his pituitary gland in 1974. He's had three strokes, the first when I was 12 years old, and the last (known stroke) 16 years ago, when I was 16. Also, because of the tumor and the lack of pituitary gland, he's been dependent on cortisone, a drug in which his doctor said he's be lucky to live 25 years on...It's approaching 33.

He's also stubborn as hell, trying to reason with him is like trying to reason the sucker out of the hand of a three year old. It's been worse since the dementia, which really started to get bad within the last three months.

Which brings me to yesterday, when my two brothers, my sister and me went to my parent's house to convince my dad that he needs a stint put in his leg so his aeorta won't explode. He doesn't want to do it, and it was MY job to convince him. For some reason, the man will only listen to me...And there is background there, but I really don't want to get into it. It has to do with me being the youngest and being there with him for all of his strokes, teaching him how to read again, and pretty much watching after him. So it was on my shoulders to make him do this.

I got him to say that he will think about it, which is more than anyone else could do. Tomorrow my mom and I will go to his doctor where he and I will once again try and convince him that he needs this done. And you can't just say "Dad, you need to do this because if you don't you will die." It's much more complicated than that and he is MUCH too stubborn.

Not only that, but he has been really weak and frail, so the fact that he is going to be put in the situation where he will be under anesthesia is another concern all together. We just have to pray that everything will work out...

On a completely unrelated note, I almost sliced off my finger yesterday with a chefs knife as I was cutting a lemon. (See below)

The damn thing won't stop bleeding. Josh claims that I'm just a wuss and stitches are for pussy's. So, I've decided to prove him wrong and wait until my finger falls off from some flesh eating infection before I get it tended to...I'll show HIM!

And last but not least, I thought I would sign off with a lovely photo of my dog Lola getting ready to eat my friend's 5 lb Maltese, Peanut.


Kidding! Actually, they were playing here, not even growling, just wrestling with their mouths open like rabid canines ready to kill each other for dinner. Really, though, they DO love each other...Here's proof!

Tigger

She was a good cat, she was a cat of many names...Tigger, Squid Squat, Meow Face, Fur Face. She was also a bit of a recluse...Shy, didn't like people much, except the ones that she knew. My dad nicknamed her "Osama" because whenever they would come over she would run and hide in the basement.

I "inherited" her about seven years ago from my sister. They had rescued her from a shelter when they lived in Pennsylvania. After, they moved back to Minnesota for a few years and then my brother-in-law was transferred to Tokyo. They couldn't bring the cat, so they asked, and I agreed to take her.

At the time I was living in a small one bedroom, it was a converted attic apartment in an old house in downtown Excelsior. When she moved in, she hid in my closet for a week. Only coming out when I was asleep.

Gradually, I must of grew on her because when I would come home she would join me in the living room and sleep with me at night.

She used to love to sleep in the window right behind my bed. One day when I was walking up the outside stairs to enter my apartment I found her sitting at the door...I wondered how she got out! I went over to my bed and the screen had fallen out of the window. She fell THREE STORIES! Not only that, but she knew enough to climb the stairs to the front door...I was impressed, and decided that she must have used at least four of her nine lives on that one.

When we moved to our house in Minneapolis she wasn't much interested in going outside, and when we brought Lola home, she immediately packed her bags and moved to the basement where she had the whole place to herself and was content to hide and play on her own terms...much like any other cat!

And talk about stubborn! She was definately a cat of her own will, and a cat after my own heart! It took her about three years to finally accept the dog, and decide that Lola was worth her presence...They would hang out in the kitchen and beg for treats together...a real life "Mutt and Jeff!"

The last few months were the worse for Tigger, about two months ago, she started to go blind, and had an issue with her thyroid. I didn't want any sort of weird exploratory surgery, I just wanted her to live out her last days in peace. Which she did.

Yesterday we found her stuck in a corner of the basement, she had gotten twisted in some old computer equipment of Josh's. He picked her up and she wasn't able to stand anymore. We immediately brought her to the emergency vet. She fell asleep on Josh in the car...It was so peaceful.

We decided that it was best to let her go...She shouldn't have to live this way anymore. No more pain. If only eveyone could be so lucky.

We were there when the Doctor gave Tigger the shots to put her down. She was quiet and it was so wonderful to see that there was no pain. I petted her and and told her what a good kitty she was and she just "fell asleep." We both cried, a member of our family was gone, and that's not easy.

Next week I can pick up her ashes, and we plan on burying them in the spring when the ground has thawed under a day lily at my sister's cabin, where she can be near us as we gather for fun times at the lake.

I will miss her.

Three Day Cleanse "Day Three"

I have almost made it...If in the next 6 hours I don't rush the refrigerator in a fit of rage and start pigging out, I will have made it through my three day cleanse.

And to tell you the truth I really don't feel THAT different.

Maybe if I would have eaten like shit before I started I would be able to tell the difference, but since I'm already a vegan, I really don't notice any change.

I bet that for the average Joe it would be much like when I made the decision to stop eating animal products. After about two weeks you just feel more at peace...Your head feels clearer and your demeanor is much more calm, yet you have more energy and just feel...More happy.

I'm not even hungry anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go all Nichole Richie on your ass...I LOVE food. I have a food blog ferchirssakes...But you would think that after not eating food for three days one would be famished.

I just miss the taste of food, that's all. I enjoy cooking so much that I think that was the hardest part of all of this...Yes...Even more difficult that downing a 16 oz glass of prune juice every morning.

So, all in all, not a bad experience...and I will do it again, only maybe next time I'll find one that doesn't require the P.J. [GAG]

Oh, and for those of you who were concerned with the consistency and velocity of my poo ((Dr. K. N.), I would have to say that your description was quite accurate, and although I did not find out whether or not I could "thread a needle from 50 yards," I find that quite challenging...Maybe next time.

Three Day Cleanse "Day Two."

My second day with the cleanse is going along quite swimmingly. After, of course, I get over the wrath of the 16oz glass of prune juice I have to consume in the morning. I am home bound for at least two hours after drinking it.

Thankfully, I office out of my home to I can take my time going to where I need to be.

But I have to say, I'm sick of prune juice and I am sick of apple juice. I actually look forward to the tablespoon of olive oil just so I can have something different tasting, besides...well...juice.

This afternoon my sister suggested that I warm the prune juice in the microwave before drinking it. She said something like it makes it taste like cinnamon...I couldn't really hear her because all I could focus on was the fact that I thought I was going to barf. Gross. I want that shit as cold as she comes or I'm not drinking it.

Warm prune juice.

*Gag*

Other than that, it's not that big of a deal. I'm really not that hungry...Except when I brought in lunch for a client today. I drove the whole half mile to their dealership with my head in the bag sniffing the food. Bad idea, because that made me hungry.

I can't watch TV either, the commercials make me hungry...So if I just isolate myself in a room with no TV, no magazines,and not anything that remotely resembles food I'll be fine.

Shit, I'm just going to go to bed.

Three Day Cleanse "Day One"

I just finished my 16oz glass of prune juice...Just one of three that I will have to consume over the next three days. That, and three gallons of organic apple juice and just as much distilled water...in three days. Add three tablespoons of olive oil a day and 8 "Herbal Laxative" supplements and you have the making for one fun and craptastic cleanse!

Whoot Whoot!

Why am I doing this to myself? I mean, I'm a vegan so I already eat healthy enough as it is...

Do I like to torture myself in the form of raging diahrea?

Not really.

I just think that every once in a while we should clean out our systems. Get rid of everything that has collected in our gut so that we can feel even better.

So in order to keep myself on track I'm going to post an update every day to let those of you who care about my bowel health in on my progress.

Wish me luck.

P.S. It takes less than 45 minutes for a 16 oz glass of prune juice to kick into gear. Trust me...I know...

Frozen, but still alive.

Despite rumors of an extended game of "One Handed Croquet", I am still here, and fortunately not lost somewhere in the woods of northern Wisconsin with my croquet mallet and a cocktail.

I've been frozen, snowed in, and just plain busy. Which is no excuse.

I have, however, been spending a bit more time here. Which means I have been spending more time in the kitchen which means I have been spending more time at the gym.

It's viscous circle.

Merry Christmas!

So, Josh and I were trying to decide what picture to use for our annual Christmas card and I think we have narrowed it down to one...


Nuthin. But. Class.

I have determined that all we are missing is a car in blocks and a trailer park and we would have ourselves one fantastic white trash Christmas! Whoot Whoot!

Actually, this picture was taken at the cabin during a grueling two hour round of "One Handed Croquet." For those of you who do not know the rules of "One Handed Croquet" it is simple, you must have a cocktail in your hands at all times, if you set it down you have to start over. Trust me, it's a fantastic way to play the game, but on the flip side it usually takes twice as long to finish.

Here are some comments via email that I have already received from my friends...

Danika: "You could photoshop some Christmas ornaments to your boobs and then it would really be festive!"

Erica: "So romantic!!"

Gregg: "Nice. Reminds me of uncle Cletus and auntie Mabel."

So, take this as my wish for everyone to have a Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy 2008!

Oh, and "Yes" that is a picture of Ponch on Josh's shirt.

Casting Call!

It has recently come to my attention that my nephew is a shoe-in for a young Lloyd from "Dumb and Dumber." I find this hysterically funny.




So if anyone knows the Farrelly Brothers and they're considering writing a prequel to the prequel to the movie, tell them to call me...I have their guy.

Garden Variety Rant

I have had it. I have had it with this whole talk about "Black Friday."

Am I the only person who really could care less about how much we spent or how much retailers made on a given day in November?

I just turned on the news and that was the lead story..."Black Friday."

I can't stand it anymore...The way the newscasters talk about it with a smirk on their happy little faces like they're trying to say "Oh, look how clever we are to talk about "Black Friday" and it's cute little term with it's cute little "let's kick off the Holiday bullshit" In fact, let's take a whole long weekend to talk about this because I am sure that there is nothing better to talk about in the world like genocide or terrential monsoons that swept away peoples lives."

NEWSFLASH: THIS WAS FOUR DAYS AGO PEOPLE...BLACK FRIDAY IS OVER AND DONE WITH, MOVE ON

I'd rather them bring back the fucking bird flu crap than utter one more inane word about "Black Friday."

And then they started in about "Ciber Monday" and I nearly lost it. This is where I turned off the T.V.

"CIBER FUCKING MONDAY." As if we didn't get enough with "Black Friday" now you want me to sit here and listen to how retailers are going to gather in the hoards with their gimicks of "Free Shipping" and special on-line only sales.

Have we lost the true meaning of what this season is really about? Is it really about gifts, and shopping, and credit cards, and spending insane amounts of money on STUFF?

NO! It's NOT! It's about friends and family and get togethers, doing good for those that are less fortunate and being thankful for the things that we HAVE, not the things we are going to buy for "40% off One Day And One Day Only."

And what's the rush? Why did all those people stand outside in the cold in line at their local Walmart at 4:00 am on Friday? To save a few bucks on their flat screen TV? I'll tell you what, I can think of something I would rather be doing at 4:00am the day after a national holiday and It's called SLEEP. Not only that, but I'd be willing to pay 20% MORE than to have to stand in line and battle it out with the kind of people that would actually fall for the hype.

And to those people I have a few questions; Tell me, was it really worth it? Was it worth risking your life to be trampeled to death by some obsessed overweight couch potato who will stop at nothing to get his hands on that mediocre flat screened TV? Was it worth standing in line with screaming kids who are most probably sleep deprived thanks to their ridiculious parents who had to drag them out of bed to save a few bucks on STUFF? Was is worth wanting to drive your car off the nearest overpass because that asshole in the Dodge Neon just took the last parking space at the FREAKING MALL?

OF COURSE IT'S NOT WORTH IT...STOP IT! SERIOUSLY!

{I am attributing the above rant to my November detox. I have been 26 days without any sort of alcohol and I think it is wearing on me. Last night before I went to bed I almost started drinking my Listerine. Seriously it's that bad. All I have to say is, "Four more days to go....Four more days."
So, with that being said, If I insulted anyone in the aforementioned rant I apologize...I still think you're an idiot...But at least I'm sorry for it.}

Raindrops on Roses and Bob Hope in statue...

For those of you who have always wondered what a miniature bronzed Bob Hope would look like, wait no more...Although I don't have the actual picture I can assure you that he would look just like Cotton Hill from King of the Hill.

At least the miniature bronzed statue of Bob Hope at the VA Medical Center in Minneapolis does.

The only clue that lead me to believe that it was actually supposed to be Bob Hope was the plaque that was placed below him that read "Bob Hope." Otherwise I would have left that God-forsaken place believing that for some unknown reason the folks at the VA felt the need to bronze a cartoon character and place him adjacent to the visitor entrance.

The conversation between my mother and I went something like this.

J(Jenni)= Hey! Look! It's a bronzed Bob Hope!
M(Mom)= (staring and tilting her head from side to side) That doesn't look like Bob Hope...It looks like someone lopped off his shins and attached his feet to his knees...They must have run out of bronze.

I hate hospitals.

I was somehow roped into going with my mom and dad to my dad's dermatology appointment. I'm not going to get into the specifics, because my dads medical history is long and arduous. Just know that sitting in the same room while they preformed a biopsy on some skin cancer on his face and then having to smell burnt flesh while they cauterized the wound was not pleasant in the least.

After it was all over and done with my mom wanted to know if I wanted to go for lunch. Yeah, pass. I think I lost my appetite back there somewhere around the whole lancing and burning bucket of fun I was subjected too.

Thanks though!

Real Complicated

Real Simple and I have issues.

When it was brand new I was most probably one if it's first subscribers, that was before it was five-thousand pages and didn't fit into my mailbox anymore. Now my mother-in-law renews my subscription every year.

In fact just the other day Josh was going through our "magazine bin" and after picking up the 20 lb magazine (with both hands) he said, why don't you cancel your subscription to this...It's WAY too big and has gotten out of control. I told him that I completely agree and that his mother is the one perpetuating the madness.

His response?

"Tell her to stop."

And he said it in the tone like she was just caught beating a puppy with the latest issue.

Honestly, I thought the magazine was great when it was new and fresh, now I don't know how many times I need to be reminded when to change out my toothbrush, or how many "Aha" uses a paperclip can have.

I'm done with you Real Simple.

Random Salad

Don't get me wrong, I love snow...When it's Christmas time. But yesterday as I was getting out of my car in the Whole Foods parking lot and a snowflake fell gently from the sky and landed ever so softly on my jacket, I couldn't have been any more mortified than if it were Satan himself.

SNOW?!! WTF???!!!

I experienced "Effing Ow Part II"　yesterday and realized something...You know what sucks more than sitting in the chirapractors office while he pushes, cracks and pulls your body back into shape?

Paying $65 to let him do it.

Is threatening your cat with a "dirt nap" because of her incessant meowing wrong? And if you said "yes" to this, have you ever lived with a cat who incessantly meows?

Didn't think so.

What if....

If my husband were Chinese he would look just like this guy...


Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. Take a look for yourself...


O.K. so maybe that's not the best picture...Just take my word for it.

Oh, and go here for my latest gluten free vegan recipe!